Killing One Bird With Two Stones

I haven’t had television broadcast into my home for about five years. Don’t worry, I’m not one of those self-righteous “Kill Your TV” jerks. I have an LCD and waste as much of my life in front of it as any other obese American; it’s just that I switched to watching everything on DVD a long time ago. If you couple that with Netflix Watch Instantly, you really won’t miss cable at all. The things you do technically miss out on (news and sports and being able to watch TV shows when they come out) should really be viewed differently (sports should be watched drunken in a bar or not at all, if you still watch televised news you’re probably not reading this because you’re elderly and afraid of computers, and watching TV shows back-to-back is a million times better than having to wait weeks or months between episodes – it took me days, not years, to realize that Lost was going to turn out to be really, really stupid).

If you want to apply to law schools this coming fall (2010) to enroll next fall (2011), then you probably haven’t taken the LSAT yet. If you’re a junior who wants to go to law school right after graduation, then you’re in this boat. If you’re reading this, and planning this far in advance, then you’re already a step ahead of most people. But when to take the test? June, October, or December?

Technically you have four options, because you could take the February 2011 test and still apply for enrollment for Fall 11. But this really isn’t your best bet. A lot of schools won’t even allow you to apply, and those that do will generally say that it certainly lessens your chances of getting in and getting financial aid. You can make the February test work for you, but it is a last resort of sorts, so I’m going to take that off the table for this discussion (I should note, though, that if you’re not applying in the same year that you’re taking the test, then there is nothing wrong with the February test).

When people first look at the LSAT, they often feel great terror, as if they’re looking into the face of some rabid platypus that is going to rip your nuts off with his crazy freak bill. Most people attack the platypus head on with the baseball bat of LSAT study. If you strike the creature long enough, in a methodical, patient, focused, and driven manner, he’ll eventually expire, opening the doors to law school success. Hurrah! But for some, his beady eyes and foaming bill are just too terrifying, and while protectively clutching their crotch run to the seemingly comforting, yet soul-breaking arms of business school (which in the world of my schizophrenic metaphors would be a cuddly panda made of money who eats your heart out of your chest with a grapefruit spoon).

As a successful web-logger of some renown, it has become increasingly difficult to maintain a semblance of normal day-to-day life. Why, just the other day a man in the street, with whom I am quite certain I was not previously acquainted, asked me out of the blue for change!

“Well!” I replied, “if you don’t like my web log, then you needn’t read it! I shan’t change myself for the likes of you, a mere beggar. Good day, sir!”

That seemed to assuage his pestering, as he bothered me no more. And in hindsight, I should be glad that he was a reader at all. After all, someone who is an unsatisfied fanatic is better than someone who is not a fanatic at all! But I thought that perhaps he had a point. Perhaps the time had come for sweeping innovative change.

The LSAT, thank God, is not a vocabulary test. Unlike the GRE, you don’t have to sit down with a bunch of flashcards learning words that you would never see outside of a David Foster Wallace novel. LSAC is testing your logical reasoning ability, and they know that your knowledge of esoteric words doesn’t really say anything about your law-student potential, so you not knowing what “defenestration” means isn’t going to defenestrate your score (figuratively speaking). So there’s no need to supplement your LSAT books with a thesaurus.

“But reading comp asks you the meaning of strange words all the time!” you say. That is true. And yes, I know what I just said about the LSAT not requiring knowledge of advanced vocabulary. The thing is, the test writers know that not many of you were English majors or read Joyce for fun. When you get vocab questions in RC, what they expect is for you to get the meaning from context. You will rarely know the word, but you will always be able to answer the question nonetheless. So again, no major vocab needed. But don’t get all quiescent just yet.

Originally posted 12/04/09.

We’re less than 72 hours away from ¡THE BIGGEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE!, and one of the most important things to do is eat right on Saturday. And this is coming from a guy who eats M&Ms for breakfast everyday (in a bowl with milk, with a spoon), so believe me, I’m serious. You’re about to get a three-hour long brain humping courtesy of the good people of Newtown, PA, and you need to be on your feet. So not eating breakfast is really not an option. You want something that is going to stick with you, so granola and yogurt is probably a better option than Cap’n Crunch. Eggs are probably a good idea, hash browns maybe not so much. Coffee is obviously important, but be careful to not drink too much or you’ll have to constantly pee. I have a sort of nutty student with a Capri Sun-sized bladder who developed a system of “tea shots,” where she brews 2 ounces of extra strong tea so that she gets the caffeine without the liquid. I had another who swore by those 5-Hour Energy shots that you get in gas stations. The important thing is that you’re fully alert and energized for when section one begins, so plan out your morning consumption in advance.

The LSAT is a mere week away.  What does this mean for you?  Well, if you’re not taking it, then nothing.  But if you are, you’re probably freaking out a bit, regardless of how prepared you may be.  If you haven’t studied at all then you have good reason to be pissing yourself, because you’re probably going to get hosed.  So good luck on the guessing.  For everyone else: you’re ready, but your nerves are probably trying to sabotage any confidence you may have.  So let me lay out some rules for this final week to keep the demons at bay.

After five and a half years in beautiful Berkeley, California, I’ve left that land of plenty to go to a place where you don’t smell homeless people’s urine everywhere you go, even if it’s only for the reason that the urine has frozen to the sidewalk next to its source. That’s right, bitches, I’ve gone to New York City to follow my dreams of helping other people follow their parents’ dreams. And those parental dreams necessitate the taking of the Law School Admissions Test. So look out East Coast, because the best LSAT instructor straight outta central-West Berkeley is coming to rock your world harder than a [joke omitted because it is far, far, far too soon].

I don’t think I can bring myself to write some perfunctory intro paragraph (for a variety of reasons beginning with not even being able to find the energy to use both of my hands to type, and thus desiring to use an economy of words), but that’s ok because after doing extensive market research, I finally figured out what you’ve all been wanting to hear about: other things known as the El Ess A Tee and acronyms that kind of sound similar. So without any further pomp (or circumstance), I give you “The Other LSATs.”

People always ask how late is too late to start studying for the LSAT. My opinion is that six weeks should be more or less the absolute bare minimum, so if you’re shooting for February and haven’t yet opened any books, you might want to retool your plans. As a rule, more study time is a good thing. You can definitely start too late. But can you start too early?